Writing as practice...co-evolving?

Writing is practice. Language, falling into language, is practice for me. Some say this is not so. The problem is that those who turn from language do not see how they are fooled by the narrative of self in relationship to other and believe in what they write or read or interpret as their character in the fulfillment of the escape dynamics of the narrative: I am real. I have come from there. I must escape to there. There is better than here. Thus do we all compete to get there, to be recognized as that rather than our current self image. Then when we successfully fulfill the role it is empty in a nihilistic sense because we know we made it up but we still think something else is real, what we were, and what we were was and always is the not. The not itself is delusion and there is no getting away. The not itself is our enlightenment, our awake and all beings awake. If we completely settle into the not then all others too can relax, let go into the not: no useless striving to be something other. This does not mean no effort and no accomplishment.

This is what koans are about: our life, our doubt, as parable: this existing, non-existing self a parable of our self, a story told to us by grandmother while sitting on her lap or being beat with a strap. What is this?